Living Between Love and Hate: 

A Journey from Darkness to Light

Life is a spectrum. On one end, there’s blinding light; on the other, heart-wrenching darkness. I was born in that twilight zone, where love and hatred collided.

My mother’s eyes never sparkled with love or pride when she looked at me. All the love she had was given to my younger brother if you can call it love. Instead, she held a storm of resentment, anger, and, most hauntingly, hatred. The reasons? I may never truly understand. Was it a reflection of her inner struggles, a product of her traumas, or just a manifestation of pure spite? No child should have to ponder such questions. Yet, these were the thoughts that haunted my childhood.

But amidst this turmoil, there was my father. A beacon of hope and love. His gentle voice and soft lullabies contrasted my mother’s cold indifference and cruelty. But love, no matter how pure, can sometimes be powerless against overwhelming darkness. He tried to shield and surround me in his warmth, but he, too, was a victim, trapped and incapacitated by my mother’s wrath.

Wounds heal, scars fade, but emotional traumas linger. They become shadows that follow you, whispers that haunt your quiet moments. But here’s the thing about shadows: they exist only when there’s light. My experiences, harrowing as they were, created the ability in me to fight back and provided me with strength, empathy, and an unyielding spirit within me. They made me an advocate for those without a voice … the silent sufferers, both human and animal.

Every slap, every cruel word, every night I cried myself to sleep, they built a fire within me. A fire that fuels my drive to ensure that no child or creature ever feels unloved or abused. Every scar on my heart reminds me of the battles I’ve fought, the strength I’ve shown, and the mountains I’ve climbed.

I share my story not for pity but for hope. For every individual who has endured the cold grasp of abuse, know that your past doesn’t define you. Your strength, your fragility, and your ability to rise above does. Together, we can cast away the shadows of our past and step into the light of a compassionate future for ourselves and for those like Maggie, who bear the scars of cruelty but the heart of a survivor.

Maggie is our fur family, a cherished member of our family who was once intimately acquainted with the cruel reality of abuse. She endured unspeakable cruelty that left her tied in a bag and tossed in a river to die at only six weeks old. How could anyone express such meanness and indifference? Why or Who could carry out such a malicious act?

I, too, was beaten until I couldn’t stand. Blood trickled down my legs, and my head often would seep the red drainage from abuse known as blood. I only wanted my mother to love me. I yearned for an embrace, for gentle words of comfort, but they never came.

I prayed that God would save me. He sent my older brother to care for me, sacrificing himself to the beatings to shield me. He was the one constant in my life that sustained me, giving me a reflection of what love was to look and feel like.

My name is Mamie, and my message to you is never give up…never forget that God loves you, and know that one day you will know that four letter word called love. One day, the sores and the deep crevices of rejection will soothe over becoming wounds of the past. Ones that you can reach out from knowing as sadness and hate to those of love you can share.

I found love after years of errors, not knowing what it looked like. All because I never gave up hope. Hope is a never-ending story that will provide you peace when the time is right. Know that amidst the pain and the darkness, there’s a force that loves you unconditionally.

Look up…never down! Love yourself so you can love others. 

With time, those painful scars will heal, transforming from haunting reminders of your past into badges of fortitude and survival. I spent many years seeking love and made numerous mistakes along the way. Yet, my unyielding hope and belief in a better tomorrow eventually led me to true love.

Always remember to look up, never down. Embrace self-love, for it’s the first step towards understanding and giving love to others. It’s been thirty-five blissful years with my husband, and not once have I looked back. His love and my ability to share it has transformed my life forever and has revolutionized my world. I urge you to open your heart, leaving behind the shadows of rejection, and move towards the light of acceptance and love. It’s a journey I’ve undertaken, and I am all the better for it.

It’s a journey I’ve finally undertaken, and I am all the better forgoing it.

Mamie

Award Winning Author

Reflections of Mamie

A Story of Survival